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jokes of the day:
Push-ups:
A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night.
The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!".
The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter."
The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!
Sleeping at Church:
A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon.
The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service with her and poke him when he nods off.
The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep. When the preacher asked, 'Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?' The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, 'Oh my God!' The preacher said, 'That's correct.' And the husband sat down mumbling to himself.
He soon fell asleep again and when the preacher got to the question, 'And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?' The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, 'Jesus Christ!' And the preacher said, 'Right again.' With this the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act.
The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife when the preacher said, 'What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?' The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, 'If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm going to break it in half!'
Dead Priests:
Two priests died at the same time and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
The first priest said, "I've always wanted to be an eagle soaring above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," said St. Peter, and off flew the first priest.
The second priest mulled it over for a moment and asked, "Will any of this week 'count,' St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," said the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," said St. Peter, and the second priest disappeared.
A week went by, the computer was fixed, and the Lord told St. Peter to recall the two priests.
"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asked.
"The first one should be easy," said St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult. He's on a snow tire somewhere in Minnesota."
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